I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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