i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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