please come you make the beer taste better
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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