are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
