I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
