Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
