apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
