Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
