I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize