Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
3pm strippers are depressing
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
