We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
