Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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