we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
