I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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