She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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