I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
