Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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