I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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