Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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