too bad you live with your parents still
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
