u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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