That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
