The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
