based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
