If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
