It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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