Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
