I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
