It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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