We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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