Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
