Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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