life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
