See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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