Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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