Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She even gives head with a lisp.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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