If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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