Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
