Please, let me fuck your mom
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my shit smells like andre
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
