My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
