you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
