I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
What drink are we having for lunch?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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