It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
