I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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