last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
