How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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