I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
