these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize