he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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