do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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