I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
