Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize