We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
