I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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