chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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