I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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