So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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